Many writers comment on how confidence is just about THE thing
for attracting a partner. Males and females alike find
confidence the most attractive quality in a potential mate.
However, there is secret key to being confident. It is a key,
which is rarely - if ever - mentioned.
When the topic of how to become more confident comes up the
answers are often put in ways which just scare people off.
People wanting to be more confident are often advised to gain it
by doing a variety of things such as walking right up to people
in Shopping Malls and starting a conversation with them,
practice saying 'hello' to strangers and all that kind of thing.
To my mind, this kind of 'help' shows a real lack of
understanding of human nature. It works for some people; but for
many people the tackle-it-head-on approach misses the point and
causes a lot of completely unnecessary fear and trauma.
In fact, for many people the kind of 'helpful advice' they are
offered to become more confident actually damages what little
confidence they already have. They know that they just cannot
do. They cannot take the actions they are told the 'should' take
and so they end up feeling even worse about themselves as
they
feel a failure before they even start.
I suggest that there is a way to develop confidence, which is
not scary for even a very shy person.
It is a two-step process:
Step 1: Encouragement - learn how to encourage yourself and
reward yourself. Step 2: Stretch not strain - stretch your
current limits, don't strain them.
Lets look at what these steps means:
1) Encouragement - Learn how to encourage yourself and reward
yourself.
There is 'nothing succeeds like success' as the old saying goes.
In order to develop greater confidence we must be wiling to
acknowledge any success we have no matter how small.
Most people do the opposite of that. They keep comparing
themselves to some absolute ideal and putting themselves down
when they don't match up to it. Self-blame erodes and destroys
confidence it does not help to build it. To develop confidence,
stop self-blame. That will in itself make a huge difference.
Look at the meaning of the word 'encourage'. When we encourage
ourselves we say 'Well done'. We tell ourselves that we did
good. The dictionary defines 'encourage' like this: 'To inspire
with hope, courage, or
confidence;'
Did you get that? Do you see what that definition is telling us?
It tells us that to 'en-courage' is to actually 'make courage'
and to 'make confidence'. In other words when we encourage
ourselves we make ourselves more courageous and more confident.
Self Encouragement is the secret key to self confidence. (Hey -
you didn't even have to buy a book to find out!)
Say you managed to say 'hello' to someone we would have been too
shy to say hello to before. It is important to seize on that and
tell yourself 'Well done'. This helps inspire you to greater
confidence. What you must not do is give yourself a hard time
for not living up to extreme expectations; such as being down on
yourself for not being able to sweep the person of their feet
with a few words - like what happens in movies. Your life is not
a movie - not yet anyway.
You can even reward yourself with a small treat of something you
like such as an ice-cream or something (but don't pig out
though) when you have a breakthrough.
Step 2: Stretch not strain - stretch your current limits, don't
strain them.
This means working with the life you already have and taking
small steps
forward. Think about any particular social skill you
would like to develop and practice on easy targets.
For example: Say you want to be better at giving compliments.
Practice on people you already know (but no more than one
compliment each time you meet someone). Don't save it all up
till you meet some babe or hunk that you are really into.
Develop your skills (i.e. your compliment muscles) well before
then you will be able to handle the babe/hunk with natural ease.
Give compliments to your mum, sister or brother, friends or
colleagues. Notice the friendly old lady at the grocery store
queue with the nice jacket and tell her how good it looks.
Notice things you admire about people you like and gradually
start to tell them.
To begin with only do this with people that you have little or
no investment in how they respond. If this feels to scary to do
one particular person then pick a less scary target and try it
out on them. Once you get used to the idea you will do it with
more and more ease till you can do it with just about anyone.
Whatever level you are at in being confident Self Encouragement
will help. If you confidence is normally pretty good, but you
have hit a
low patch then encouraging yourself will turn it
around.
Simple arithmetic shows that you can't make something positive
by adding something negative to it. Likewise you can't become a
better person by being negative about yourself. Give up any form
of self-blame and start encouraging yourself and see all sorts
of 'problems' and 'issues' you had just melt away. Don't worry
your therapist will find another client!
You can use Self Encouragement to boost your ability to develop
any social skill be it; making eye contact, telling jokes or
finding the love of your life.
Have you spotted the key yet? The secret key to self-confidence
is Self Encouragement. Practice Self Encouragement and watch
your self-confidence - and your life - blossom.
About the author:
William Martin offers wholistic tips and advice on dating and
relationships. Check out this http://www.meetyourgreens.com>totally free dating site
or this http://www.fingerclickingood.com/ebooks/love_romance_culture
_ebooks.html>love and romance ebooks directory.
